What would you do?

Sinto · 10-30-2008, 08:31 PM

Okay. This is er, somewhat related to er.. what happened to my friend. And er, he needs advice.

(Names were edited for privacy)

You had this friend called Jenny. She's your best friend since forever, and that the two of you always hang out with each other, talk to each other 24/7, helping each other, the thing that normal best friends forever types will do. But suddenly, as time flies by, you don't seem to be as close to Jenny like how you used to. And then you met this girl called Molly. You started to hang out with her because she's interesting and funny. Then.. after a month, you and Molly fell deeply in love and got into a relationship. You don't really feel like hiding this relationship from Jenny, and so you break the news to her. Jenny, hearing that, felt really angry and cut all ties with you, and ends your friendship. After that, my friend has been depressed over her ever since.

So, what would you do. Try and talk to Jenny again? Focus on your relationship with Molly?

**Yosei** · 10-30-2008, 08:46 PM

I actually had some friends go through this situation. I was the middle man. Both of them were my friends, and they were best friends (I'll call them um...Apple and Orange. Apple being the guy, Orange being the girl).

Apple and Orange were best friends, ever since they were kids. Apple met a girl, Pear, and became close to her and started casually dating her. Orange ended her friendships with Apple and Pear and went emo and started harming herself. Apple got really stressed out over the situation because he felt obligated to be there for Orange, but he couldn't help his feelings for Pear. In the end, Apple ended up choosing Orange and dated her, and Orange had him cut all ties with Pear. After 2 years of dating, Orange joined the Navy, and two months into boot camp, met a new guy and dumped Apple.

Thats just an example of how the situation could go, but it depends on the girls personality.

Oranges personality is very... girl-ish. She's emotional, sensitive, stubborn, tries to be independent, shes protective, possessive, and holds grudges.

But my moral of that story is that you never know how things could go, but all that matters is the present, so follow your heart.

IMO:
If Jenny really cared about her friend who had met a girl that he really loved, and made him happy, she should be happy for him. If she has feelings for him, she should be honest, and should have made a move earlier. But now that she's missed the chance, all she should do is be a supportive friend and hope for the best. Sounds like she had a little spurt of jealousy and selfishness there. If she wants to be that way, then the guy should distant himself from her. If she really cares and wants some kind of relationship with him, she will come back and accept being his friend. Its not right for her to put such pain upon him.

Sinto · 10-30-2008, 08:57 PM

What if er.. my friend.. really thinks that Jenny is still important to him, and that he doesn't want to distant himself away from her?

-Wait, sorry, I read the story wrongly. All of the fruits look like the same word to me.

**Yosei** · 10-30-2008, 09:09 PM

Lol sorry. Well... distanting would basically be like not giving in. Girls work like little kids.

When they distant themselves... they want the guy to come chasing them. They want the guy to miss her, to realize he needs her, and to come chasing her. But really... that is very selfish of the girl. So... not going after her will irritate her and she'll end up coming back.

**Loveless** · 10-30-2008, 09:10 PM

Even if that may be the case it might be wise to keep his distance at this time for her to come to terms with her own feelings. Love and relationship is all about timing.

It's possible that Jenny had feelings for him in the past but felt that if she had said something to him about her own feelings that they would grow distant. She chose friendship over relationship. I wouldn't know what she thinks but that's one case I suppose.

**Yosei** · 10-30-2008, 09:15 PM

Yup... so in a nutshell. If she distances herself, whether she is pulling chick-jedi mind tricks, or not, its best to keep distance so things can take their course. If the guy wants to be with that one girl and he loves her, nothing should be stopping him, but if a friend decides to distance themself over it, then he shouldn't let it get to him, it wasn't his fault, it was the friends choice.

If she has feelings for him, which from what I've heard, it seems like she does. She should just be honest. Its better to know then to spend a life time wondering what if. I've taken that plunge plenty of times, so far I've been lucky, its never turned out for the worse.

Sinto · 10-30-2008, 09:22 PM

You mentioned about distancing themselves.. it's been more than half a year now. Is it long enough?

**Yosei** · 10-30-2008, 09:30 PM

Hm... wow. Seems like she really took it hard. I think that is more than long enough, but then again, you never know. Maybe its time for the guy to confront her or try to talk to her? Maybe she's cooled off, and gotten over it, but she feels she's gotten to the point of no return. It would be awkward not talking to someone for so long and then just suddenly coming up to them and trying to be friends. But then again, they've always been friends. Hopefully their bond and connection hasn't changed.

Sinto · 10-30-2008, 09:48 PM

Yea but.. my friend is afraid to talk to her because he's afraid that Jenny might hurt him a lot. Oh, forgot to mention that he's been depressed about her during the whole time when Jenny left him, even though Molly has been trying hard to cheer him up.

**Spirit** · 10-30-2008, 10:02 PM

It sounds like Jenny had feeling for your friend. But, for whatever reason was afraid to ever mention them or let them show. It could be that Jenny was worried that your friend would not return the same feelings. However, when your friend started dating Molly, it broke her heart. Most girls do not mend a broken heart all that quickly. If her feelings were true and deep down, it may take longer than 6 months for her to get over her feelings for your friend. Also, seeing your friend again could still hurt her, because she has not mended yet, and it may be a very long time before she does. Even if she is dating someone else, she could still have feelings for your friend and it still hurt her to see him with or without Molly around.

It also could be that she never really knew the feelings existed, because she always had your friend by her side and once he started dating Molly, all these feelings for your friend overwhelmed her and she does not know how to deal with them.

All I can tell you is that,

Number one: You cannot make someone love you no matter what you do. If the feelings are not there for the other person, they are simply not there. Caring and loving are two different things that sometimes people mix up. So, if Jenny is hoping that your friend will love her and you simply do not feel that way, she needs to understand her actions will not achieve that.

Number two: You cannot make someone not feel a certain way. If seeing you still hurts Jenny, then nothing will change that. She cannot help the way she feels, it is simply the way it is. So, if your friend is hoping that Jenny will get over it, he needs to understand that might not happen.

Number three: Time does not heal all wounds. Sometimes things hurt us a little too bad and too deep for them to completely go away.

Number four: If your friend is truly happy with Molly and is in love with her, then he needs to let Jenny go. He should concentrate on his relationship with Molly and let what happens with Jenny happen. If your friend thinks he might love Jenny in that way and that is why he is so upset that she has pulled away, he needs to take some time away from both girls and get his feelings worked out. Because; otherwise, it is not fair to all three involved.