Childhood Dreams

[Hazu]

Once as a child I felt asif I could love everyone, everything, every flaw in a person. But then I grew and grew and the innocence ebbed away. Maybe I can still love everything again, but I doubt I can. Only in the world I have created for myself in my mind to escape the people I am forced to live beside can I feel asif everything is loveable. Well... everything is loveable.. just not by me. Theres always someone to love something I won't love.
It's hard to love like you can as a child. When you grow you come to realize once friends were never your friends. You hear them talk about you.. about others. How can you trust anyone? All through school people talk, they gossip, they laugh, they tease. Can you really love such people that can easily turn their back on you? School can be just as bad as walking through a city by yourself and down a dark alley.
You can be told you're loved and you can give everything to that one person, only to have that person betray you in the end.

Maybe it's best to live in a world created in ones mind, but it seperates you from the world. If I were to do that I would never love anyone outside of it. It's not asif my heart has been broken by the world around us. More as if my innocence has been shattered by the reality.
Wars, killings, people our age dieing, children suffering, suicides, peer pressure. Is there any peace in this world? You can't avoid it forever, its the destiny of all those that come after us. We live, we suffer, we die.
But in all of that don't we find something, atleast for a short while, that makes the battle of life worth while? Atleast through our stages of life, we find something that seems to help us along.

Childhood... sitting outside with Mariah. Staring up at the stars and thinking of the possibilities of the universe, the howling wolf on the moon- our own secret language to contact each other at night using howls. Playing in the bamboo or with My Little Ponies. Putting on shows for our parents and playing our imaginary games. Thinking of the day that we would grow up and live on a farm together with animals. Never realizing all of our child hood dreams would be shattered once we grew.
Growing pulls people apart, friends, lovers, family.
But as a child everything seems so much easier, you can dream, you have pure innocence. Why can't we be like that for the rest of our life? Innocent. Then the world wouldnt be as dark as it is.

Now I remeber middle school, Osage hills, that place was pure hell. I mean it could have been good, really. But when you feel the outcast it isnt fun. All you can do is try to put on a face asif you don't care and move on with life. That's when innocence starts to break. How can you find it able to love people you put you down and try to use you?
But I survived that stage in life as everyone else did. It's just a stepping stone.
But it's when the darkness starts to creep into your life.

Highschool isn't bad. New faces, new things, new teachers. Away from the hell hole of a school into a new territory. But things are still different. Most had friends already there, or family. First of my family to ever be there, it was easy to feel alone. Especially when my supposed friends (who were my friends for the time being I guess you could say) faded away into the new world. I had a friend for a year who faded away eventually aswell, maybe he wasn't a friend then?
I just learned to burry myself into my own shell, into my world I created for myself. But being me, I always find it hard to let go of the past.

The excited feeling I got when christmas came around, or that warm feeling in your soul when summer had arrived. The warm night air and the sparkling night sky with fireflies everywhere. The smell of honey suckle and plants in the garden, the feel of animals fur and the grass. The joy of walking in the dark, the fear for the one who I was with. Readyness to protect them. Maybe that too, the feeling of childhood are just another thing created by my world?
To tell between the world and the one I created seems hard to tell the difference.
Once love was only found in that world. But now it has become to be found in the real world. But then it leads me to think... what is love? We always have a natural instinct that leads us to want other humans presence. But then love is more than that. If it wasnt then just having friends would be enough, wouldn't it?
The innocent child hood love, the middle school love, the highschool love. They're all different, arnt they?
But then a childhood love can become a life love, can't it?


There seem to be so many questions in life that nothing can answer. We look to faith to answer these questions, but really not even that question is answerable. Faith only gets you so far.
Poetry tries to touch the feelings of love, the mysteries of life, they try to explain the feelings and the reasons. Maybe there have been a few that were able to discover such things, but does that mean the person was able to truly love someone thing? If they had found out the truths to love and life?


Now I can't say I hate everyone now, that the child like love for all things living is gone.
But I can no longer claim to love such things.
Animals, the love for them will always burn.
But humans, in which I truly believe I will never fully understand, I cannot claim to love.
Animals love is uncondtional, and it's either they love you back or they don't. None of this backstabbing that we take part in.
No one is clean of that deed either. We may try to claim to be, but if you truly think, we arn't and never will be. It's in our blood, really.
But life will go on, with every flaw there is in the world, with every lie and every truth, ever tear and every laugh, death and life, it will go on. But maybe someday we'll come to be a world were everyone will be loved by everyone and hatred will no longer exist. We will no longer be backstabbers and the darkness might be defeated.
But for now it seems to crawl into everyones souls, eating at the innocence of childhood dreams.










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I wrote this begining of my Junior year I believe or around middle of it.
I view things similar yet differently now.. lol