Divorce is always messy, just try to have a little understanding of the situation from her perspective, then maybe the things she says wont hurt so bad. Being a parent to 5 chidren is hard, I know that cuz i have 6
. Even though your going to be there for them, from now on its her that will have to deal with the day to day tasks alone. she is the one who will have to cope alone when they r ill, get up with them when they wake at night, sort all of their emotional problems etc. She also has very little prospect of meeting someone nice any time soon, its hard enough to start new reationships when there are only one or two children involved, having 5 all at such a young age would test even the most patient of people. just having someone to lean on at the end of the day makes things a lot easier than having no-one at all. telling her your feelings have probably destroyed her life, her future plans, and tainted every memory she cherished of your time together.
I know its hard, I have been through a similar situation myself
But she is entitled to have all of these feelings. In time she will begin to move on, and depending on what happens now, she may even forgive you some day. All you can do now is try to understand why she is acting this way, just keep saying sorry and be there for your children. Your children wont hate you as long as you always do whats right by them. They love you now, and they will keep loving you, as long as your there for them, even if your wife tries to make them hate you. Children are more capable of making their own minds up that we adults give them credit for.
As for your suicidal feelings, you seem to be consumed by your own self pity and guilt. I undestand that, really i do. Our circumstances are almost exactly the same, except it happened to me 7 years ago. I still feel guilty at times for the heart ache I caused and probably always will. The most important people in this mess right now are your children. You cant undo what has been done, but what you do now can make a difference in your son's futures. Feeling sorry for youself is not helpful for them, or you. Try to stay focused on being there for them, and try not to dwell on feelings of hoplessness. Its not hopeless, but the only way you can make those feelings go away is by knowing that you have done all you can to change things for the better. My children now have 2 happy parents who are focused on delivering their needs, instead of 2 parents consumed in their own misery in an unhappy home.
There is a saying I like to use in situations such as these... It will all come out in the wash.. It basically means you think of your troubles like a heap of dirty washing. Fist you sort through them, then you allow them to go through a cycle to be cleaned. When the cycle is over most of the problems have gone away, more stubborn problems may take more cycles, and in the end some problems never wash out completely, in which case you will either choose to dispose them or learn to live with the stains.
I guess through all that ramble, what i am trying to say is that I know your situation feels desperate at the moment but it has to happen before it can get better, and it will eventually. stay strong for your children
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