I have read the proglogue and chapter one and have to admit I enjoyed it, however I have to ask....is this a prequal to the movie??? Although I have never seen the movie.
I though you'd like an edit...Although I might not be a much better writer its always helpful what one can point out.. so here is chapter one edited by yours truly
Wompastompa
theres quite a few punctuation errors which I will not cover
Dumm Dee Dumdum Dee’
(try to refrain from using non-existent words; instead you should describe the sounds)
“Urgh†Ven Moaned as he lifted himself out of the Scruffy, captivating bed in the corner of his Room.
‘Dumm Dee Dumdum Dee’
Another Moan escaped his Mouth as he realised what the Oh so Familiar sound was.
Ven Picked up his Cell phone from the Table Beside his Bed and flipped it open. “H...Hello?†He Murmured, Still drunk with sleep.
“Hello Ven†A monotonous Voice said blatantly. “I Understand that you take care of Others’, Oh how shall I put this; ‘Little Problems’?â€
“Yeh, that’s me but I’ve Never heard of Demons Being Called ‘Little Problems’ before†Ven Replied with a smirk.
“Yes, well call them what you will. Come to this address at Midday Sharp, I am in Need of your services†The Mysterious Voice then proceeded to tell Ven the address of his estate and Explicit instructions to Enter through the Back door and to take Great care as to not alert any of the Neighbours.
“I assure you, the pay will be Bountiful†The Voice added before Hanging up. Ven looked at the watch on his Table, 11:23.
Im guessing PM??
“Crap, No time to Shower†Ven Blurted before throwing on the Jeans and shirt he had wore the night before to Kill the Priests ‘Little Problem’. He had received his pay for Killing the Demon of the Church on his way back Home, And before getting a chance to wash the Clothes that were Now stained with dried Demon blood he had fallen victim to the embrace of sleep.
Ven Threw on his Dark Blue Trench
you should'nt have to describe an object more than once in the story coat and Jumped out of the Second story Window of his room only to land gracefully in a crouching Position with both his arms throbbing gently.
He ran down his Driveway and dived into the Driver’s seat of his White Ferrari. Ven Glanced back at his Manor, His house was alone atop the small hill, just as Ven had been Alone, Alone to Struggle against Beowolf, Alone to Stare Hell in the Face.
describe the ferrari, its a bonus for car lovers
Ven started the ignition and Glanced at the luminous clock on the dashboard, 11:28.
He slammed his foot onto the Pedal and set off down the Road into the City, where the Inhabitants were drinking their coffee getting ready for the day ahead.
The Directions his Client had given him lead Ven down a twisting alleyway that opened out into a Quiet and subtle Street, the Estate at the end of the road Drew all attention away from the rest of the Neighbourhood. Ven Slowly parked his Ferrari in the driveway, trying not to bring attention to Himself would be Difficult as already he noticed people looking out of their windows at the new arrival.
“Master, The Assassin has arrived†Said one of the Estates Many Butlers
“An Assassin? You brought another Assassin? Or am I-†An effeminate Voice Said discreetly to the wealthy man opposite her. Her Complaint was interrupted as Ven entered the room.
A Short Man dressed in a Black Suit Stood Sharply and turned to greet his Guest. “Welcome, Ven. I Believe we talked on the Phone? I am Dr Terra Crippler.†The Name seemed Slightly Familiar but Ven Dismissed the feeling as he spoke directly to the man Taking little interest in the Woman sitting on the Chair opposite him. “Yes, Nice to meet you Dr. Crippler†Ven Said Simply, his Blue eyes quickly Scanning the room as the person who had called him only half and a hour before sat down.
The Couch His client was sitting on was a Dark Leather, The Carpet was a Dark red colour, A slightly Darker shade than Blood, A Large Chandelier with many Lights on top of it dangled from the White ceiling, A Large Beige coloured Wardrobe sat in the corner of the room and a Marble Fireplace warmed the Demonic Flesh on his Arms, Causing them to throb more slowly as if approving the Warmth.
you might want to describe the shape not just the colour
“Please have a seat Next to me†Dr. Crippler said eagerly to Ven, His voice seemed less Monotonous is Person but there was no doubt that this was the Man on the phone. Ven sat down on the Leather Sofa that the Dr had been patting seconds earlier, His gaze settled upon the Woman sitting opposite Him on a Leather Chair similar to the Sofa he himself was sitting on.
The Woman had flowing Red hair and Beautiful Emerald eyes. Her Skin was Caucasian but slightly pale. She wore a Red Sleeveless Jacket on top of a Black Long Sleeves T-shirt with Tight Blue Jeans and Casual Black Shoes. She was defiantly Human, Not Demonic like Himself. Her Expression was one of Boredom and her Eyes were purposely avoiding Ven’s Gaze.
“And this is Scarlett†Dr. Crippler Said while holding his Left hand out to the Woman Opposite them.
“Nice to meet you†Ven Murmured before turning his head back to his Client. “Now Please could you tell me more about my Objective.†Ven Smirked, already imagining The Battle ahead.
“Very Well, if you could join me to the Dining room I shall tell you everything about your Target.†The Short man said before clapping his Hands twice.
His Butler was at the door immediately. “This way Master Ven, Madam Scarlett†The Butler said softly while gesturing to Two Large white doors with Golden Decorations around the sides.
Ven was slightly curious as to why Scarlett was joining them, usually he met his Clients alone to discuss his Target but sometimes a Life Partner or Wife joined the conversation. It was hard to imagine the Radiant Scarlett Being Married to a stiff like Dr. Crippler but anything’s possible.
The Dining Room was Larger than the Previous room they had been in, Ven’s attention was immediately drawn to the Large Mahogany Table in the Middle of the room. It was at least 7ft long with a Total of 8 Leather Chairs Placed at it’s Sides.
“Please Have a Seat†Dr. Crippler Said welcomingly while gesturing at the seats beside him. The Doctor sat at the Head of the table with Ven on his Left and Scarlett on his right, Her Emerald Eyes Focused on Ven “So, What do I have to deal with?†He said nervously trying to break the Stare of the Red-Haired Woman.
“Ah, yes, Well the Demons that I seem to be having trouble with seem to be of the lesser kind.†His Client Said While Pulling a Few Blurry Pictures out of his Coat Pocket. Most of the Pictures were Out of Focus and it was hard to see their content, But one Picture Managed to get a clear picture of the Demon.
There were Multiple Demons; they were about 4ft tall with an Aqua-Greyish Colour to their skin. They had small, black, eyes that resembled that of a bug’s. The Demons have no mouth, only a series on holes with sharp Points of flesh dotted around them. They had no Hands, the end of their arms just ended in jagged stumps. These were his Client’s ‘Little Problems’. Literally.
“So, How Many Demons are we talking about roughly here?†Scarlett answered from opposite him. He started to wonder who this Woman was. But before he could inquire about this mysterious woman Dr. Crippler had started to Reply:
“Oh, only a few I assume.†He stated as his Butler entered the room to Whisper something to Scarlett. “I took these pictures during their third attack and there has never been more than 4 or 5â€
“WHAT?!?†Scarlett Immediately shouted out at what the Butler, who had jumped back, Startled, had whispered to her “I’m supposed to let this Guys steal all the credit?!†she Screamed at the Butler and then at Dr. Crippler before storming out of the room in Anger.
“Oh Dear...†the Doctor started before Ven interrupted. “Actually, I was wondering something†Ven Blurted out quickly while scratching his Neck, “Who is that Girl?â€
“Oh, Oh my. I thought you Knew. Well, Um....â€
“Spit it out Doc†Ven Blurted impatiently while leaning forward
“Well, Scarlett is your Partner for this assignmentâ€
“....â€
“I’m sorry, I thought you knew, and she will be sharing the Reward with youâ€
Ven was taken back, “So she’s....?â€
“Yes Ven, Scarlett is a Demon hunter.â€
improve your vocabulary and self edit..then you'll have an even better novel....I was also curious about the random capitalizations, is that obsessive compulsive
...anyways, another thing you'll want to focus on is the description of your characters and enviorment. I like the colour but without a defined shape, you can only imagine the possible shapes. The descriptions also help with the overall length of the novel, but be carefull not to bore them with too much information.
Advanced Curveball Champion!
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