Divorce, suicide and relationships

[Mindspank]

****Disclaimer and End User License Agreement****
Im gonna say alot of things that ive never told anyone, and I have NO fucking idea why im telling you all, but I have to tell someone, incase I decide to end my life. So that way at least someone can know what happened. This is not a cry for help, I assure you. More like a confession. No im not thinking about hurting myself right now. But in the event that a year or two down the road I decide to, at least SOMEONE will know why. Think of it as a message in a bottle. By reading this, you are not held legally liable to testify in any court of law as to the events that transpired to my possible death, for whatever reason it may be. You have full deniability even after reading this story. Just so you dont feel liable after reading this.
****End Disclaimer/EULA****

Well, not alot of you know me, if any at all. My name is not important. I am enlisted in the United States Military and I am married, father of five children, all boys. The entire time I was with my wife, I questioned the validity of our "love". I have an emotional issue that stems from the abuse of my very first girlfriend.

Because of this issue, I have a spiked wall that no one can penetrate around my emotions. I never let anyone in. Never, no exceptions. I never even let my wife in. Well she got pregnant right after we got together and I tried to let her in. But it didnt work. It didnt feel right. It wasnt what love was supposed to feel like because it was forced. She loved me, without a doubt. But I questioned how I felt about her.

I joined the army, halfway through basic, during christmas exodus, I came home and we got married. I decided that, love or no, I would stay with her and make things right for our son. So we got married. The entire cerimony all I could think of was "What am I doing?" It didnt feel right. Not a single part of me wanted to be there doing that. Not what you would imagine you would be thinking of on your wedding day.

Well fastforward to now. We have been married for five years and have five children. And the entire time I have been wrestling with myself about my true feelings. I got depressed and stopped using protection during sex. I didnt care. Live or die, pregnant or not, I didnt care. It didnt make a difference to me. I was numb. So we ended up with all these kids. A house full of fun I assure you. I dont regret not a single one of my children, but I regret the circumstances to which they were brought into.

I forced myself to lie to myself and her, every day, telling her I loved her. Telling her that I wanted to be with her then turning around and asking myself why I was doing this. It was torturing her, and it was torturing me. I know right now your thinking that im a piece of shit for what I did, but before you pass judgement, hear me out.

Well about three years ago, I couldnt look myself in the mirror. I lost the ability to tell where the lie ended and my life began. I lost control of the lie. It consumed me. Everytime I saw my face in the mirror, my stomach began to turn. I was disgusted with who I had become.Everything I did that led up to that day was not in keeping with who I am.

Recently, and nobody knows this in the army or I would be hospitalized, I tried to end my life. I taped a bag to my head and flexicuffed myself to a towel rack while my children were in daycare/school. I know, I know, suicide never solves anything. Trust me, your not dealing with an irrational person here. Im not an idiot and anything you could possibly tell me about that day I have already thought of. Again, dont pass judgement, just read.

Well I blacked out during the whole thing. Somehow or another I chewed a hole in the bag before I passed out or as I was passing out. It saved my life. I woke up with a massive headache, weak and shaking. I decided that if what I was doing was so heinous that I would end my life to be done with it, that I would just come out and tell her how I feel. No one ever thinks they are going to leave the mother of their children. Everyone says to stick it out, suck it up. If your thinking that right now...

Fuck you.

You absorb 20+ years of emotional trauma spilling over the plate of someone forcing himself to be with a woman he doesnt love. Its not easy. I should have killed myself a long time ago. Ive been under so much stress and trauma that my therapist quit this friday. Shes only seen me twice and she doesnt want to deal with me anymore. She feels I need multiple counselors and shes not equipped to deal with the trauma I have experienced alone.

So back on track. I told her that I didnt want to be with her anymore. Selfish, I know. She went through all the stages of greiving, and now that shes close to leaving and were gonna be legally seperated, shes making this hard on me. I guess the reason why im here now is because for a split second today, I caught myself wanting to end it again. They say there is a fine line between the two types of suicidal people. There are the ones that say they are gonna do it. They are upset, emotional, they say they are gonna do it. Alot of them mean to, but are not really behind it. Its an outcry, but to them if it happens, it happens. Then you have the people who dont tell anyone anything, you just find them dead when you come to visit them.

I dont want to end it. Honestly. I have some things to look forward to. Like my kids growing up, a possible future with an amazing woman, but all my wife wants to do is hurt me. She tells me im never going to see my kids, that shes gonna make me broke for the rest of my life, that shes gonna raise my kids to hate me, and im teetering. Im teetering between not caring and not living. I dont question why I decided not to be with her. I need to be happy myself as well. But why she has to torture me on her way out the door is what I dont understand.

To all of you out there, make sure you really love the woman/man you decide to marry. Make sure you love them again when you decide to have children with them, and if they decide to not be with you and divorce you, dont torture the other person untill the end. Even if they initiated the divorce or not, they still deserve a small ammount of respect as a human being. Right now I dont feel like a human being. I feel like if I died, right here, right now, nobody would care or even miss me except for a few people and my kids. Thats not what this is about in the end but still. I cant take comfort in anything anymore. Nothing to coushin the blow of the concrete except the concrete. I dunno im just not in a good place right now and I really like you guys here, so I feel that because I like you all, you deserve to know what happened, should anything even happen.

I dunno. I guess im done for now.